How Having Strict Parents Destroyed My Life
"Please!" I screamed in agony, trying to escape the harsh punishment my dad decided to use on me. My room was a bit untidy, and he decided to make me clean it by whipping me with his belt. This wasn't the first time, this wouldn't be the last, but I will never be used to the harsh words, physical abuse and even the mental abuse he gave me.
As the first child, I was held to a strict standard, and if I wasn’t up to that standard, I would pay for it with my skin. The strict rules and judgements I had to follow made me feel suppressed In my own body, made me depressed and suicidal, and lastly, made me hateful.
This is what so many children face in their homes. Emotional and physical abuse from parents or guardians when something is not done right. This affects them greatly, as they feel no importance in their being, making the child hateful and insecure.
I always looked at my friend’s smiling faces and wondered why they were so happy and free. They played games with the phones their parents gave them, they hugged their parents, and they laughed with them. I thought about how that was possible when I was taught to 'respect' my parents. Respect in the sense that my father was a very high and influential figure, and I should treat him like one. Speak formally, no inside jokes, and do not touch his personal property.
I remember when I used my dad’s laptop to use my favourite app ever, "Encanta Kids." When my dad found out, he broke my large toy house on my head, leaving a large, raging bruise….
What was the key to my friend's happiness? Their families. They were given security, they were lavished with love and adoration. And finally, they weren't emotionally and physically abused. It wasn't a norm. And that made me sadder than ever, knowing that I wouldn't be loved the way they were loved. I felt crushed and neglected, and I remember fisting my hands tightly, vowing to never get married.
"Lisa acts like a boy, it’s irritating," I heard one of my classmates whisper, and I whipped my head and frowned, ready to fight the person who could speak so horribly of my behaviour. When I got home, I sat on my bed and thought about why she would make such a statement.
I don’t walk like a boy, I don’t speak like a boy, I don’t have a masculine swagger. What could make me masculine? I thought to myself, crying bitterly because I didn’t want to look like a boy in any way.
"You’d look beautiful and intelligent," my dad said as he cut off my luscious, thick, afro hair. "Your hair can be a distraction, and that isn’t what I want." I didn’t think I looked beautiful or felt smarter, I looked uglier, and I felt like a boy.
A thought came to me, and I quickly wondered, was it my anger or the way I play? Was it the way I tend to argue and speak loudly? Was it the way I looked? Bald and no sign of feminine development, I was as skinny and flat as a surfing board.
I quickly concluded that the fact I was masculine acting was because of my anger issues and the way I played aggressively. That was sad because my parents also didn’t support my interest in drawing or singing. He was so dramatic about it even.
"What rubbish are you trying to put your interest in? Do you think any child of mine would be an artist? Get that paper away and I don’t want to see you with it again!" He screamed at me, veins popping out of his neck. He looked so scary and angry, and I scampered away in fear, carrying my materials with me. I still kept on drawing in secret, and when he found out, I was beaten up so bad I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept my eyes open and watched my door, hoping he wouldn’t come in again………
I got so secluded from the world, and I was still abused. I was still told how much I was a failure, I was still beaten mercilessly, and I was still told that I was the cause for everything bad happening in the family. And the more I did, the more I grew resentful. I started shouting back, I started hitting back. I didn’t let anyone hurt me because I would use my words to break them down. I still couldn’t use my fists, because I was (I still am) a skinny girl. But I used my tongue, I used my words to hurt, to break, to destroy.
I learnt the hard way to fight back and protect myself from any danger. And most times, it has broken the relationships I had with people, it damaged my image, and it made me more depressed. I never won this battle of self-depreciation, esteem and insecurity. I am always in battle with myself and my spirit.
And that's a horrible way to raise children. Imagine your child telling this sad tale to the world, imagine your child fighting with themselves internally, trying to seek peace. If this is your way of training your children, you're doing more harm than good and you are destroying the bonds you built with your children and your family.
I Interviewed Five Victims Of Domestic Abuse, And This Is What I Found.
Here's Why You Should Not Be A Strict Parent.
"I don’t see things in the perspective that is normal. I feel all the things I thought were right are wrong, because my dad told me so,".......
- Mac, a victim of physical and emotional abuse.
Mac believes that his perspective of thoughts is irrelevant, and wrong and doesn’t correlate with the morals that were set up by his parents. He is in constant denial with his thoughts, discarding them as wrong and immoral, and accepting his parents' judgement and advice as moral.
"He called me an online fraud for thinking about starting an online business, which was digital marketing. It was so baffling, but it destroyed my confidence in tapping into the online space, and I never marketed again. I don’t ever think I would go into any online business, because I have been made to see it as bad and demeaning to the soul."...........
-Mac
This is an example of emotional abuse. Most strict parents strive to raise their kids to uncertain standards that don’t correlate with their opinions and personalities. This causes friction confidence loss, and self-depreciation.
Another form of abuse is neglect, as a child needs his/her parents to protect their feelings, share insightful stories, and even, play with them. When a child is deprived of such privilege, he/she gives in to depression, loneliness and isolation. Such cases can be seen here as Amanda shares her thoughts during the interview.
"I am always left alone, and sometimes I feel it’s my fault for being left alone. My mom is always out, and when she comes back, she would be unwilling to play with me. Gifts and cards help a little, but sometimes all I need is my mom."..........
Amanda
Cases like this call for active participation in the emotional upbringing of the kids. A healthy, sound mind in a child is better, smarter and more confident than a depressed, sad mind. A child shouldn’t be blamed for loneliness, and immediately you find your kids showing signs of withdrawal, seek therapy for the child and refrain from old habits that cause emotional abuse.
In Josh’s case, his dad doesn’t want him to have a career of his choice, and he is torn between choosing to be with his family or surviving on his own. This form of abuse is called financial abuse. This is when a person cuts or limits financial aid to you, especially when you do not follow the rules set for you to follow. Leaving you to become desperate, and willing to come back and surrender to their dominance.
In other words, they rule you with money. In Josh’s case, he wants to become a professional poet, but his dad deems it a waste of time and effort. When Josh decided to show some willingness to continue his preference for poetry over his dad’s chosen preference, his dad threatened to cut off his allowance and leave him stranded.
"It’s not fair that I have to pass through this, but I have always loved poetry. My dad worked according to his dreams, but won’t let me do mine. I guess I’d have to take over the family business, and also be a poet."...........
Josh
Josh, in this interview, showed us a little bit of rebellion, as he is unwilling to drop his preference for poetry. This is a good example of what victims of abuse face, as they have to make do to accommodate both the preferences of their parents and themselves alike.
This issue could be solved through the understanding of both parties, and some kind of boundary should be set. Respect and the will to take your child’s decision would also go a very long way. And the use of finances to control children should be banished from your line of thought.
"I have so many scars on my skin, most of the things I got these scars for are minor mistakes. But my parents believe that physical violence is always the answer."
Grace
This is the most popular type of abuse strict parents use on their kids. They strongly believe that, when pain is inflicted, the children would automatically be saints and angels. This notion is wrong, as you don’t only bring unusual pain and scars to your children, you make them violent, angry and more rebellious. Most children who were physically abused lack emotional intelligence and often find themselves in trouble.
My advice to parents who struggle to refrain from physical abuse should try gentle parenting and should list the consequences for the wrong actions they make. It’s proven that when children are left to find out from their mistakes, they often learn and make corrections, without having to be beaten up or flogged harshly.
While so many people don't take the next case seriously, it is just as harmful, degrading and demeaning as the other forms of abuse tactics often used by strict parents.
"I have been called a degenerate so many times. And I feel like one, so I don't even argue when my mom calls me one."..........
Ameenat
Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse might be the worst form of abuse that could exist. Manipulation, harsh words, degradation and so much more can be done using words. Words kill, depress, suppress. It destroys the mind of the victim, making them feel like less. Instead of using harsh, devaluing words, take therapy and heal. Then you would know how to correct children without using insults and curses.
These victims are in constant struggle, seeking peace and validation in their lives. Some, if not most struggle with their thoughts and suppress their choices, to live the life their parents set apart for them.
As parents, other actions different from abuse could correct and advise your kids, and can even strengthen familial bonds.
These Could Be;
Advice Is So Much Better Than A Scream.
Soft-spoken "come here" or a strict, cool, "get here" is far better than screaming, "Will you come over here, you stupid boy/girl."
The sense of authority and command would encourage kids to listen and know they are wrong, rather than making them feel less of themselves.
Let the child know their mistakes. Advice and ask questions, treat them as humans rather than lesser beings. They sure would learn, and also communicate better with you.
Instead Of Harsh Whipping, A Corrective Spank Would Go A Long Way.
Especially when dealing with little children. They could sometimes be a pain, but scars on their skin wouldn’t do any good. A spank or a punishment could make them feel pain without being violent and hateful.
A good punishment could be kneeling while the hands are raised towards the sky. This could inflict soreness in the arms without violence, and while the child is feeling pain, make him/her submit to not making the same mistake again.
Respect Your Child's Decisions And Boundaries.
Your children were born with a mind of their own. They have the right to make choices, especially when it comes to their future. You can’t tell a child you want him to be what you always dreamed of being. Of what you are now, especially when that is not their interest. Instead, talk, advice and have respect and understanding for your child. I’m sure your children will put their trust in you, and even make space for your consideration.
Neglect is not cool. It never was.
Maybe you have a tight schedule. That doesn’t excuse the fact that you have kids that need your love and attention. Attractive gifts, toys and services could bring temporary smiles, but the real happiness is when there is communication, support and encouragement from you as a parent. Take your children shopping, cook or bake with them, while you bring up a discussion that sparks both you and your kid’s interest. Talk to your kids, understand them, and also explain your line of duty so they understand you too.
Very soon, you've built a strong connection with your kids, you're happier, and everyone is satisfied.
As A Child;
Understand Your Parents More
It could be hard to understand where your parents are coming from, especially when you have a lot of contempt for them. But most times, they're coming from a place where they need you to be the best you can be. Most lack emotional intelligence and don't know how to correct mistakes, but they are coming from the right place. Please understand your parents and try to lessen their burdens.
Do Not Trigger Your Parents To Anger
Most parents are triggered by some behaviours leading to extreme anger, and you should learn to avoid those triggers. My dad is triggered by noise and untidiness, and I try my best not to let my dad discover my siblings' untidy room, or even try to suppress noise coming from my siblings. I noticed that he wouldn’t complain, and my skin surely didn’t complain too.
If Your Parents Are Judgemental And Religious, Do Not Discuss Certain Things With Them.
Trust me, I over-shared with my parents so many times, and I regretted them. My parents think differently than I do, so I just discussed my problems with my friends, instead of my parents. It saved me a lot of mental stress.
Although we are all humans, the key to happiness and contentment is understanding. Both parties could live in peace and happiness when there is understanding.
Without opening up to people you should trust, you tend to have a build-up of resentment towards yourself and others around you, leading to an everlasting battle of self.
If you need therapy, go for one.
If you need someone to talk to, please do.
If you need a vacation or space, take as much time as you want.
The key to self-contentment lies within you, find it and make your world an accommodating place to live in.
Don't forget to leave a comment, share and follow if you loved this post.
